As you may well know, kind reader, your friendly and shiny ad agency that has suspicious links to Bananarama, exists in a world some way away from the trendy highlights of east-east, east-london or the glitz and glamour of Soho. For we have eschewed all that (man I love that word) and moved into our palatial pad out West London way. We live down a very nice terraced street but bizarrely in an mansion that resembles something Puff Daddy would build over Malibu way.
Anyways, being part of the community and all, it means that we get to participate in all the finer details, from the striking bin men to the trannies at no.1 to the rampaging fox to the nasty little tikes that keep nicking our bike parts.
To keep abreast of all of this, Liam our very own dangerman and office manager, attends the local Neighbourhood Watch meetings. And now we come to the point of this long blog ramble: you just have to, and I mean you just HAVE to read the minutes from the first two meetings as they are probably the funniest single thing that has been written in advertising since gawd knows when.
Read, enjoy and, if you fancy, come join in at the next one.
FIRST MEETING
All,
Thanks for your unfloundering support last night at the local residents meeting it was quite an experience. As you were all “busy”, I thought I’d bring you up to speed on what’s going on in W14.
War Crescent Club/The Fox
Having thwarted the original application for a lap-dancing licence the local Daily Mail brigade have beaten the club into submission and they have decided not to continue with their appeal. Instead the Crescent Club is applying for a 5am licence to become a nightclub – the lap dancing club would have closed at around 2am. They’re ready to fight again.
War on Local Undesirables
The group of people who live in the flats above the shops next to the Cumberland were accused of being unemployed.
War on Transvestite
One of these unemployed people is a transvestite who has a lot of coming and going from his/her flat/apartment. The Local Community Support Office who was present (who was amused all night at the fact that he was called Liam as well) was urged to launch an operation to find out what was going on. He didn’t look very happy.
War on DOGS
We talked about poo a lot. It’s been decided that dogs should not be allowed to poo – at all unless they have a doctors note. However, it’s not all dogs that are the problem just those belonging to undesirables (staffies and pitbulls) who use them as weapons! One of these undesirables was removed from the Cumberland on Tuesday night after his bitch started worrying a customer....it’s too obvious, I’m not doing the joke.
War on FOXES
No, not the strip club – the Basil Brush kind. A fox is attacking bins left out over night. Apparently he’s very tame – I almost pointed out that if he was tame he’d book a table at the local Thai and have a civilised meal, but I didn’t because I’m better than that. He stands in the middle of the road and watches cars – this does not mean he is tame, this means he is “special” if you know what I mean. Anyway, the decision was made that he needs to be put to death.
War on Crime
Liam (hahahahahaha he has the same name as me) delivered the news that this area is crime free – depsite catching people selling drugs on the corner of vernon street...oh and a man being assaulted, who was a drug dealer...oh and the transvestite working girl/boy...oh and the “special” car watching, rubbish thieving fox.
Death
I died three times in the meeting and each time I came around Councillor Greg Smith – responsible for law and order, street cleaning and being smug was still talking and talking and talking.
The next meeting is in September – see you there.
SECOND MEETING
All,
Thanks so much for joining me at the “Utopia” (yes Utopia) Residents Meeting last night. Oh now I remember, nobody did and I had to twitch the curtains all by myself.
So in order to keep you in the loop and touch all your bases, I have compiled a condensed version of the Utopian minutes.
The Crescent Bar (Fox Lap Dancing Club)
One word – victory. The local Daily Mail brigaded thwarted (their words) the application for The Fox pub to become a lap dancing venue and have now further thwarted (their words) an attempt to turn it into a 6am licensed nightclub. Not only that but the owners/staff and whatever customers they had have disappeared into thin air. Our local Police Sergeant was due to meet with said licensees this week but was not only greeted with a firmly shut venue but no answer to his phone calls. He was a little confused as when he’d been in there on Saturday night it was heaving (his words).
The Fox
He’s alive – he’s STILL alive – alive and well and living in Chiswick...though still venturing back to “Utopia” every night to ravage peoples refuse.
Bins
Oh my god, we spoke about this for over an hour!!! The resolution came from the man with the overly mobile hairpiece from the sheltered housing on Munden Street. If you pour bleach into you bin bags – foxes won’t want to eat it. No, but they will be impressed with that zesty lemon smell.
The Albion
Apparently in this venue there is live music – not only that but people go outside to smoke – whatever next? People drinking beer? The man with overly mobile hairpiece does not like this and wants it to stop. Supergran, 88 from Number 19 told him to stop exaggerating, it’s not like it’s every night! (her words)
Thames Water
They’ve been digging and digging and digging. One mild mannered woman asked if they’d found what they were looking for. Everybody laughed – except me because I was still there. The only other thing we got out of this discussion (which also lasted nearly an hour) was that this area was the most bombed during the war.
Marcus Garvey Park
It was decided that nobody knew who Marcus Garvey was and therefore the park should be renamed Avonmore Park and the Barons Court Library (not in Barons Court) should be renamed Marcus Garvey Library so that people could look up who he is. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Garvey
Crime
Two people were arrested stealing a bike and as a result traffic crime has gone down. Utopia has received an award from the Mayor as it has the second lowest crime rate in London. Remind me to think about this when I get called into the office at 3am following a break in.
Beggars
There is a regular beggar with mental health problems who works Utopia. Apparently he can’t be arrested because he has mental health problems but he is very clever (their words!)
Crisps
As Supergran, 88 from No 19 was leaving she grabbed a handful of kettle chips and put them in her hand bag – I’ll be invoicing Utopia Residents Association for a pro-rata amount to cover the cost.
Next meeting is in March – see you there!
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