It started last week when some dirty pikey stole lovely Shiv's bike (it must have been just about the most cumbersome steal imaginable what with it being a rather clunky folding mountain bike, but they nicked it anyways), and then last night vigilante Dave had an encounter with a suspicious Wembley baggy boy in the garage.
Now for those of you who know Dave will know that he is both the nicest bloke you will ever meet, and also the most terrifying. If you are a Guardian reader you may recall they printed his story in their Saturday magazine detailing how he scalped a would be burglar with a shovel. Since then Dave has been living somewhat on the edge, like a slightly younger and less creased looking Charles Bronson, looking for trouble and dealing with it.
Over the weekend he caught a couple of snots trying to steal some bikes near where he plays football. So Dave locked them in one of the pitches. Given that the walls have a 15 metre high perimeter, they could well still be there. Then Monday evening comes by. Dave, following a hard day of being a creative genius and getting to the hardest level of Medal of Honour, discovers said Wembley boy in our unlocked garage trying to get into our company mini.
When challenged by Dave (who may have been sharpening a meat cleaver at the time, but maybe not) the little tike said 'I'm looking for me dog innit'.
Dave (who may have been cutting his naked forearm with a a razor sharp filleting knife as he spoke) strongly encouraged the young rascal to leave our premises immediately. As the young man left the building Dave felt compelled to help him on his way with a polite little slap.
OK, it may not have been a polite slap, maybe it was a wee bit more enthusiastic than that. So, it looks like we'll be under siege soon for the massed ranks of the pikey massive.
We'll keep our heads down but if you are nipping out west to see us, bring a weapon.
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